had a very nice talk today, conclusions from it:

people our age often find ourselves lost.  uncertain to what may come and SCARED.  definitely scared.  we're scared of making mistakes, but we're more scared of not being able to fix them.  we lack true confidence---and i mean confidence in ourselves, in our ability to be something with our lives, be who we want to be, love ourselves for who we are.  we lack self-love.  we focus too much on what everyone else thinks, and we lose focus on what's important to ourselves.

frankly, we're all scared, we're scared because we have all made some mistakes in our lives that we're afraid will repeat itself.  we're afraid that we will fail again, but this time around, will be unable to pick ourselves up.  we lie to ourselves, that we're not scared.  we lie to ourselves to keep ourselves from thinking too much.  we lie to others, to keep them at bay, from asking too many questions.

we try to pretend to be brave, but i'm learning its okay not to be so brave, its okay to just be yourself, floundering around, finding yourself some way, somehow.  i'm learning, it's okay to cry.  it's okay to show selfdoubt; it's not a sign of weakness, but self-questioning.  we all try to dispense advice, but i think we all need to listen more careful to others and ourselves. 

i'm scared, i'm confused, sometimes i'm happy and sometimes i'm down in the dumps, but i'm gonna okay cuz i learning to deal with that lil thing we call LIFE =D i'm a happy camper and it'll be all gravy

I cannot believe how DISGUSTING and LOW some people STOOP.

It is one thing to hit on a female, it is altogether a different subject when you think you're hitting on a much YOUNGER female and enjoying it.  DIRTY, NASTY FUCKIN OLD MEN, like DAMN, GET A FUCKIN HANDLE ON YOUR FUCKIN URGES or AT LEAST FUCKIN HIT ON SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A FUCKIN THIRD OF YOUR AGE.

whew, with that of my chest, let me tell yall a story:

[at vons, minding my own damn business]

"ooooo, marshmellows are on sale, oooooo"

about to go grab a bag, reach down, about to grab, almost there, then OLD FUCKIN DIRTY MAN rolls cart behind me, and just stops right there.  attempts to strike up a FUCKIN CONVERSATION with me. who the fuck does that to someone who obviously doesn't want to talk to your ass?

here's how the conversation goes:

NASTY OLD MAN in a FUCKIN CHILD MOLESTING VOICE (think m. jackson):  Hiiiiiiii.... (literally a drawn out hi)

me: uhhhhh...(look stuck)

[must have thought i was in highschool or younger, cuz vons is right by some schools]

NASTY OLD MAN (still in that voice): where do you go to school? (eyeballing me, you can see the pervsion in his face)

me: uhhhh...(look disgusted/scared)

NASTY OLD MAN (still in that voice): do you want to talk to me?

me: (silence)

NASTY OLD MAN (still in that voice): because i want to talk to you

[marshmellows have long lost my interest, and i start backing away very slowly, like you would if confronted with a dangerous/wild animal]

think this is the end of the story eh? NO SUCH LUCK.  after i high-tail it out of there, he has the FUCKIN BALLS to FUCKIN FOLLOW me around vons.  i find the cashier line furthest from  him, and there he is, EYEBALLING ME and SMILING at me with that NASTY CHILD MOLESTING SMILE.  i couldn't fuckin wait to get the hell out of there.

*DOUBLE SHUDDERS*

sorry for all the cursing people

=WARNING!!!= long ramble ahead, read at your discretion, enjoy =)

lately i've been reevaluating friendships.  really thinking about who are true friends, who are just friends, and who are mere acquiantances.  it may sound evil to dilineate friendships like so, but its good to reevaluate these things we call friendships everey once in a while (in fact a friend told me he thinks we don't do it enough).  without reevaluations, we will never truly appreciate those who care for us and we for them.  without reevulations, we will never learn who are those who call themselves friends, but use us without thinking.

what constitutes a good friend? what constitutes a bad friend? just because you don't spend every living moment with that person, doesn't mean you're any less of a friend.  just because you don't call them up very often or much at all, it doesn't mean you're any less of a friend.  in fact, even if you don't share every nitty gritty detail of your life with your friend, it doesn't make you guys any less of friends than you guys were.  bad friends on the other hand, are those who think foremost of themselves.  they are those who believe the world revolves around them.  they are those who take take and take but seldom give back.  they are those who pretend to be your best friend to get the juiciest piece of gossip.  they are those who betray you without a moments hesitation.  (disclaimer: not saying any of these happened to me). 

so how are we to judge what is good and what is bad? honestly, i don't know, and that's the point of these little reevaluations.  i've come to a point where i'm still confused by who is a true friend and those who aren't.  we easily fall into this trap of believing everybody is everybody's friend.  but that aint true, not a bit.  by observing the comraderie of guys, it makes a gal feel jealous, because truthfully girls, we can be some fake ass bitches some times.  guys either like each other or don't, they either get along or not.  but girls, we can get along, we can pretend to get along, or we can screw the pretending and just plain not get along.  there are so many subtleties, so many underlying lines.  and friendships between guys and girls can be rather complicated.  either there's the "i'm going to protect/take care of the girl attitude" (from the guy) or the "i need to be protected/taken care of attitude" (from the girl).  or worse, there could be the underlying tensions of, is there something more or isn't there.

then there is the subjects of favors:  there are ppl who ask/demand favors like no tomorrow, asking without thinking. or those who expect a one to one ratio of returns, if i help you, i expect you to help me.  or those who ask because they feel comfortable asking, not taking advantage of the situations, but just asking.  

personally, i rarely ask other ppl to do favors for me, not because i don't want the help, but i just don't want to bother other ppl.  but when i do feel i can ask someone a favor, it not only shows a comfort level, it shows a trust, a blind trust that, that person will help you out, not for self gain, but just to help a friend out.  and i expect those friends to be able to openly ask for favors or help.  its a give and take friendship and those are the ones i cherish most, the ones that i can openly feel comfortable talking and chillin with doing nothing special in particular.  the friendships that you can depend on, and they can depend on you.  i surround myself with these so called friends, but when it gets down to it, would they be down or would they make up some lame excuse? but a friendship isn't just about being able to help each other out, its about a CERTAIN COMFORT LEVEL, of being able to BE YOURSELF WITH EACH OTHER, being able to just be.  but those who i truly cherish are those i would go to great lengths for blindly knowing they would go to those same lengths for me.  true friends always number few, but strong, and im awfully glad about that.  there are the type of friends that will stand by your side and there are the type of friends that will lay it down like it is.  there are the type of friends that will make you laugh and make you cry.  there are the type of friends you do everything with and there are then there are the type that you rarely see but still greatly love.  there are the kickback friends and then there are the highwire friends. and i know i dont say this very often or even at all, but just know, i appreciate and love all those types of friends  just thought i would share that. 

wow i haven't wrote in xanga for so long that i cant believe how many new functions they've come up with.  its really sort of amazing  i almost didn't recognize it

on a side note, thanks tran le, nan, thuy, and susan for coming down to visit this wkend, it was mucho fun.  lots of good laughs and good...wait..lots of great talks and i think im addicting to dressing up now and playing grown-up.

=warning, meaningless ramble on ahead=

i'm coming to realize we are all freakin hypocrites.  that said and out, i feel better already.  we all give out the best sounding advice, but then when it comes down to it, we, ourselves, don't follow it most of the time.  we would like to believe that we follow the advice that we give, but i can safely say that most of the time, it just don't happen that way.  whether out of fear or not believing in it as much as you would like to, when push comes to shove, the feet stay planted to where they are. 

what might i be refering to?  well out of conversations with my current roomie and friends and merritt (thanks for the phone convo, it assured me im not going crazy), it got me thinking, if you think you have found the person you could be happy with or even have the possibility of being happy with, you should tell them, rather than hold out and lose your chance.  of course if you're the friend cheering the person on, its easier said than done.  when it comes down to it, its pretty damn hard to tell that person, "hey i like you."  we all fear the rejection, we fear that split second before its out of your mouth, never to be taken back in. we fear the waiting. the fear of not knowing what's going to happen kills us all.  that fear has us wrapped in a shell, sticking to what is safe, unable to brave that moment of truly standing on your own, admitting to yourself and others alike.  (maybe i'm not making any sense, which im pretty sure, im not).  yes, it's rare to find true love and most of the time its love that grows, but what's important is being happy with the right person, whether that person is right for just now or forever.  but if the opportunity is missed to express your thoughts and feelings, its over just like that, the opportunity is gone and maybe never to return.  no one wants to one day wake up and realize that their life has been a mockery, a sham.  (as big bro said) it is better to have tried than not try, cuz either way you're screwed =)

on a side note MTV VMA's sucked ass so badly, that it hurt me to watch it.  i've never been a puffy fan, and in fact, i sort of detest him  but to see him up there on stage solidified by stance on him.  his jokes weren't funny, nothing he did was entertaining, and it gave me this sick revulsion to see a man up on stage trying to show an image of "mr. look-at-me-look-at-how-generous-i-am"  i think he ruined the show for me.  so what did i do? like any other sane person, i kept watching.

on anoter side note, i never fully realized the pressure on woman because of the ticking biological clock, its really restricting

okay that's a wrap